The Policy Unit, Westminster

by Martin Hayes

the Prime Minister has told his ministers
that they need to find out
who it was
who while coming up in the lift with the potential new donors
said
‘here we go again
up to Mickey Mouse land’
and who when questioned by the potential new donors
as to what he meant
said, ‘whadda yer mean
it’s like Disneyland up there man
there’s Donald Duck the Defence Minister
Peter Pan the Home Secretary
Winnie-the-Pooh the Prime Minister
and Rapunzel and Pocahontas in charge of Social Housing & the NHS
none of them know what the fuck is going on
I went to see Disneyland with my mum once when I was 8
not the proper one, like in Orlando, but Paris
it’s just like that
a fake little Disneyland’

Donald Duck, Peter Pan, Rapunzel and Pocahontas
all stormed into the commons room together
screaming and shouting
demanding to know who it was
that had shown up the Government

no one said anything
no one looked at anyone

if you don’t tell us now, Donald Duck said
we will get the CCTV footage…
suddenly
Tinkerbell – head of MI5 - flew out of Peter Pan’s pocket in a rage
did four circuits of the commons room
spreading stardust everywhere
then landed back on Donald Duck’s beak
(she’s only small)
…and we’ll find out who it was, Donald Duck finished

and when we do find out who it was, Rapunzel and Pocahontas said in unison
we will not be very nice to them

Tinkerbell screwed up her tiny nose
turned away from us
then bent over letting a shoot of stardust out of her arse
before jumping off Donald Duck’s beak
and flying back into Peter Pan’s pocket

then they all disappeared
like when a concert with Taylor Swift is over
or breakfast with Cinderella ends
went into the cabinet room
and tried to log on to the CCTV camera on one of their pc’s

everyone in the commons room knew
that the CCTV wouldn’t have captured who it was
even if they could find the username and password to get into it
because like everything else in the Policy Unit
it didn’t work
it was all make-believe