This Poem has a Title

by Lisa Kelly

This poem must take medication in order to be read

at any future event. It has been found that this poem

has an unfair natural advantage which makes it stand

out at festivals and open mic spots, and streak ahead

of its competitors. In order for the competition not to

feel demoralised, this poem must take aural contraceptives

to suppress its innate ability to propagate and inspire

other poems to try as hard as this poem. This poem

must be sterilised, and wake up lethargic and drugged,

so it becomes a non-starter and will be stripped of its title.

This poem has too many phonemes which must significantly

be reduced to sub-haiku levels. However, if this poem

refuses to subscribe to its prescription, it may be allowed

to focus on becoming a long poem of 5,000 lines

where new rules regarding the phoneme levels do not

apply. It is accepted that this ruling is discriminatory,

but is necessary, reasonable and proportionate

to ensure fair competition for all poems that are just not

as good as this poem. Any argument that this poem

should be celebrated, not regulated, will be ignored.

The future of this poem has been brought to you by

a panel despite its serious concerns about this poem

having to take frequent medication, absence of evidence

and potential harmful side-effects of phoneme treatment.

This poem has promised to fight. This poem will be heard.