the columnists’ hypotheticals

by Steve Pottinger

what if doormats were suddenly sentient?
what if elephants nested in trees?
what if your gran was a Toblerone?
what if locomotives had knees?

what if Tuesday was really a Welsh cake?
what if the Atlantic were slices of toast?
what if the King were a Dalek?
what if the M42 were a ghost?

what if snakes could be worn as neckties?
what if pasta was made out of lead?
what if childbirth was just like a train strike?
what if you had feet on the top of your head?

what if cheese were an alien life form?
what if children were made out of hay?
what if milkshakes were deadly as bullets?
what if I had something worthwhile to say?