It’s hard to say ‘I love you’ to a Tory
Monday, 18 October 2021 05:05

It’s hard to say ‘I love you’ to a Tory

Published in Poetry

It’s hard to say ‘I love you’ to a Tory

by Louisa Campbell

It’s hard to reason with people who make you so angry
you want to beat some sense into their cold, cold hearts.
And why would anyone listen to someone who hates them?
So, here you go: I love you, when you stash your cash
in the Caymans. I can’t remember which one’s legal –
avoidance, or evasion – but it’s fine, don’t worry;
it makes no difference to the starving children
lining up to be fed by Unesco. You’re marvellous
when you keep lying while people are dying of Covid
because you ignored the experts’ advice.
How totally scrumdiddlyumptious of you to give
contracts to chums to make test kits and masks
that don’t work, or never turn up. How lovely you are
to clear the streets of the homeless, so you
don’t have to breathe the nasty beggars’ germs.
You’re fabulous when you believe the poor
are poor on purpose; I love you, I love you
(please change).

Waiting for Boris
Monday, 18 October 2021 05:05

Waiting for Boris

Published in Poetry

Waiting for Boris
after Constantine Cavafy

by Kevin Higgins

What are they waiting for,
the archbishops and casino owners
clutching their bags of cocaine,
the barman at Wetherspoons eyeing the clock,
and the little people who live
in Jacob Rees-Mogg’s top hat
who’ve been watching things
go slowly downhill
since thirteen eighty one?

Boris is to arrive today
in a chariot driven
by a man with syphilis.

Why so few new laws
up for debate in the House?
Why do the Lords seem happy
to lie about the place waiting
for aneurysms to take them,
without even the energy
to pay their assistants
to give them one last beating
with Daddy’s bloodstained walking stick?

Because Boris arrives today
wearing an eye-patch he borrowed
from Madonna.

Why should the Honourable Member
for Cambridgeshire South bother
crying her usual tears?
Boris, when he gets here,
will have everyone except himself in tears.

Why do the Chairs of Select Committees
race up and down Whitehall
wearing only ceremonial dicky-bows
quoting passages from the Magna Carta
and the new Ann Widdecombe cookbook
into the surprised faces of tourists?

Why have the Speaker of the House
and Lord Privy Seal exhumed
from Westminster Abbey the bones
of Alfred Lord Tennyson
and dragged them to a cheap hotel near Waterloo
to engage in a rattly threesome?

Because Boris arrives today
and approves of such things.

And why doesn’t the Office for National Statistics
give us the latest disastrous news?
Because Boris arrives today
and is bored by people who can add and subtract.

What does this sudden outbreak
of accountants and High Court Judges
vomiting on each other mean?
How grey their jowls have grown.
Why have all the escalators stopped moving?
Why all the red buses crashing into the Thames?

Because the clock has rung
and Boris is not coming.
Some journalists formerly resident in Hell
but now working for the Telegraph
have been sent from the frontline to confirm
there is no Boris.

And now what will we become
without Boris?
We must urgently set about inventing
some other catastrophe
to rescue us from ourselves.