Government declaration: A chancellor’s manifesto of honesty

by Sven Kretzschmar

Mr. Speaker, Sir! Members of Parliament –
I said we can do it and I mean it: let’s wait and see. Our good
government approach is we intend to promise to try our best

to sit things out again, the way conservatives have always done.
Make no mistake: it is my firm decision
to be against nuclear power because I am both physicist

and weather vane. What we need first though is
a Corona emergency break for we do not know what else to do
and are afraid of appropriate action as an election is coming soon.

It is either that or a “Bridge” lockdown signifying:
we really don’t know. No effin clue. Regarding
our current situation the experts have explained to us … stuff.

Yes, they said something, but we did not listen for a year now.
Hence, taking scientific evidence into account, we will
not start to listen until probably after the election.

It must therefore be said, this third wave might be the hardest
for us, so I really would not like to use my soft brain
to start working and leading. The Minister of Health

has my complete confidence regarding this matter,
that is, he is as good as sacked. Having said this,
I think we have achieved significant progress,

which goes to say: here’s to more of the same!

Author's note: the poem contains parts of what Ms. Merkel said either directly or indirectly (in normal writing) and what she actually meant to say (in italics). Themes featured are, of course, the current pandemic, but also her decision/turnaround regarding nuclear power after the Fukushima catastrophe, her general approach to ride out problems, and her exclamation that she firmly trusts in ministers X, Y, or Z. Particularly in the early years of her chancellorship, it was a running gag among journalists as well as citizens in Germany to count the days until the respective minister had to step down after she pronounced her trust in him or her.